To be honest this post has been drafted and trashed more times than I would like to admit, and in several mediums as well, from a computer screen, paper, a mobile phone, etc. So since it all failed, let me write in the way I’m more comfortable writing, randomly due to my inability to fall asleep at normal hours, while laying down, without any draft nor thought out structure.
This text is probably the most “naked” and personal I’ve written to date, and yes more personal, raw, and uncensored than texts I have about my past, my feelings, self-harm or anything like that. More than anything, I would like to apologise for writing this, I know I should never apologise for writing, but this is more than a text, this is me assuming things that I don’t have the guts to tell to the right people in a normal way. Sorry, mum.
Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with several levels of sadness, from a few seconds to months at the end. Since I’m a full degree away from being a psychologist I can’t say for sure, but I’ve dealt with sadness, heartbreak, mourning and depression. But none of these affected me the same way 2016 and 2017, wherein more than one occasion I’ve tried to take my own life
For many reasons 2016 was a tough year for me, I don’t really think that there is much I can add right now that I have explained in a previous post, but at the same time….its in the past, it was a stressful doubtful year, where especially after the summer, I’ve spent every other second, doubting myself and feeling crushed, at some point, don’t ask me when, as I didn’t really mark it on the calendar, I felt like I had enough, and for a full day the idea of killing myself grew exponentially, I’ve considered several methods, but ended up by trying to hang myself using a belt. I will spare you any details, as I’m not writing this to fulfil anyone’s weird fantasy but to come clean, to lift this from my chest. All I’m going to say is that before losing consciousness, all I saw was a picture of my sister (just to be clear, it was an actual photograph I had on my desk), and with that I found the fuel I needed to push the idea of suicide out of my head (at least for the time being), after all this wasn’t the example I wanted to give, nor my legacy, a quitter, I couldn’t let that be my sister’s brother.
So that day I failed to complete what I had in my mind (thankfully), the rest of the day was a mix of apathy, guilt and just staring at the ceiling.
Some months passed and things were better, my overall mood had improved, I felt better about myself, felt better with others, but there were this reverse oasis, this persistent black cloud over me, that every once in a while would strike me, would get to me. At first…oh just a bad day, the next time the same, but every time I would try to ignore it, to overcome it, it would come back twofold. A bit like the mythical Hydra, every time you cut one head, two more would sprout. This occurred more and more frequently, but…very episodic. Let’s put this like this, in the month of Janubrury (made up month); I feel like shit on the 1st, I’m ok till the 5th, then I’m ok until the 9th than till the 14th, the 16th, the 26th, etc,
But as I said, each time it would be a heavier burden. To a point where it got unbearable, and for the second time I’ve taken upon myself to end it all. But once again there was something that stopped me.
Before any criticism, any “why didn’t you reach out to others”, well I couldn’t, not because of other, hell, I have good support when it comes to that, especially two of the most important people in my life, my mother and a really close special friend. Those two, have been relentless when it comes to trying to help me, but unfortunately, when you feel the sort of despair and pain I felt, you kinda can’t reach out.
In a way you are in an isolated, almost like a windowless, doorless room, dim to no light, but somehow you manage to get more uncomfortable and less capable of anything by the minute. I’m not trying to imply that no one suffered more than I did, because that would be a blatant lie, but rather, I’m talking about my own experience, as I can only talk about that. More than the persistent feeling of loneliness, the persistent lack of oxygen, and the sensation of impending doom, there isn’t much else to experience. I was able to feel happy in the moment, I was able to smile and laugh, but only fading smiles. Laughter would more often than not die off, a bit like when in Television or movies, someone forces a laugh, only to stop abruptly. It was a bit like that. And the worse when I was physically alone when I didn’t have people around me. It doesn’t help that I was always, or rather almost always alone.
That is one of my biggest issues, due to a lot of stuff, I find myself caught in a vicious cycle, I feel alone, I don’t have friends, I try to fit in and be with others, but I can’t approach people, therefore I feel rejected, I feel rejected therefore I feel alone….rinse and repeat.
I honestly think that I’m already off topic, in a post that I know I going to do the best so no one reads, and I’m going to hide it. But these are things I needed to expose, these are things that were a burden in my head.
If you managed to find this, if you managed to read to this point, honestly and from the bottom of my heart…Thank you!
Before I end this, do me a favour, look after your friends, even those who seem fine, look after them, either if they are close or they live far away.