You know this has been a freaking crazy journey, don’t you agree? If you ever read this I know you would, but you don’t so you won’t.
For the longest time I’ve been wanting to talk to you, to come clean in things I haven’t yet, to tell you truths you want and lies you desire, I can’t tell how many letters emails and messages I’ve drafted, started, and even finished in some case, but never published, well the truth is, it’s not only complicated as it is weird you know?
For the longest time I’ve missed you blindly, cursing heaven and earth of my mistake, and truth being told still to proud to invite you to come to me or whatever, as you probably know, because you know some of my habits, I lost nights over nights of sleep, and struggled trough the ones where you inhabited my dreams, making them nightmares. But that was long ago, I remember being blinded by you, I remember being deaf to the ones that warned me of the damage you where doing to be, hey don’t start doing that face….I know you never meant me any harm, but you know you did a lot of it.
But as you know my life changed a lot, a a journey i made, separating us even more, thousands of kilometers separate us nowadays, but that proved to be a recipe for disaster, well at least until this point. The point I finally understood everything that lead us to our break up, you know like any “ye old epiphany” it just clicked, and suddenly misery, pain, vanished.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, when i got here I felt lonely and almost victimized, you seemed to love to throw that word at me, I had no friends here, the weather caused me a lot of pain, and i felt utterly useless, as I have never felt before. Oh and to top it all, unresolved feelings for you, it looked like the aftermath of smoking, you picked up the cigarette, smoked it , flicked the butt and moved on, but still that lingering aura and that residual smell in both your clothes fingers and breath, seamed to be stuck, and just like that leftover smell, a nauseating and sickening smell, your memory and that small mix of love and desire stuck with me for months, band that together with other problems and… well…. damn it was too much… so much that i entered a downward spiral of pain;
Pain, suffering, loneliness, memories, self harm, sleepless nights, apathy, lack of control, everything was going wrong, a bit like the law of Murphy, and that spiral seemed to go on for ages…until it clicked, until I realized who I was, until I saw myself again, it was almost movie like, I woke up, dragged my sorry ass to the bathroom, probably complaining about something, until i gazed into the mirror, FUCK, what a let down, so much wasted potential! Good GOD! Dreamy eyes, almost brilliant mind, a potentially good body, but filled with fat and scars, dammit, I can be so much more, and as I washed my face I took several resolves, and damn, I’m going to kick so much ass in a near future! But yeah… i realized that part of it was our fault, well surprised by the “us”? you thought that it would be either me or you, sorry my (ex) darling, you were wrong.
You see for the time we shared our lives a lot happened, had things got out of hand, I feel, and i stagnated, but I hoped you kicked me back to shape, as I did when i had the upper hand in my life, but unfortunately that didn’t happen, and so I nerfed, i became a lesser man then before, and that together with a whole lot of other stories, events characters and stuff, I lost myself, and subconsciously I new part of this was you, –jezz It still feels bad and stock up saying this- but i was and am better then you, and i settled for you, I didn’t evolve, so by my choice we broke up, but as you know because I told you, I wasn’t fully aware of the reasons, but now I know them, and now I overcame them. But i can’t say it surprises me, even our nicknames emphasized the differences, but well…
Now a difficult part, I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for this October, it wasn’t meant to be you know, and lastly…I’m divided between being happy and sort of sad, but I’m over us, over you.
I sincerely hope you live your life to the fullest, I hope you find happiness, I hope that you face your fears. Goodbye!
I don’t regret meeting you, I don’t regret dating you, I don’t regret loving you, i only regret dragging our relationship months after I realized it’s death…Goodbye, adeus!