Blaberring, Body, Emotion, health, Life, Personal

Open Letter to Depression

Dear Depression

I know I’m not the first to this nor will I be the last, I also know your are unique to me, like to anyone who knows you like this. Nonetheless Hello!

We have known each other for some time know, we first got acquainted when I was 13, you came to my life in a moment where life itself decided to turn me around and kick me in the face. My mother had miscarriages, my cat run away, my father died and my mother had cancer. At the time we got to know each other pretty well, you lead me to some sketchy attitudes and well you were a big freacking douche! Still, you stayed around for at least a few years. You became my biggest “friend” but damn were you jealous, you wouldn’t let me get new friends, and so I became either detached to old friends and unhealthily attached to any person to cross my path…. to a point that well I didn’t knew how to properly interact and enjoy my early teens in a proper way.

I know that with your influence or not my decisions were still mine, but I can’t deny your influence.

The years passed by and by the time I reached my late teens we stopped communicating, but somehow I could still feel your effect in my life, I became somehow bitter, and loneliness was almost a character trait of mine. I got sucked into alternative things (not that is wrong) and dismissed most “mainstream” things, perhaps that was a help of another “friend” of mine but that is not the point.

And for a while, I manage to avoid you, made some friends, some that became a huge part of my life, and in a way, I had a late blooming to being a teen, but I still experienced it with great moments.

During that time, I went out, drunk, laugthed, smoked, dated, I enjoyed life. Heck, I even had what is still to this day my biggest adventure, my volunteering experience in Russia!

But when my early twenties rolled in we started talking again, my mistake, and once again I estranged people to give you space in my life, this time… my family…at the time family was the anti-christ…. they simply “didn’t understand me”, they were evil, they…they …were the target of my rage and sadness, and I burnt bridges….some that to this day are still being rebuilt, but thankfully others are more giving and better than you.

And you know what, we were a toxic couple, you used me and abused me, in a way I was your bitch, and you alienated me from my smile, from my hope, from my happiness, I found comfort in meaningless crap, I found comfort in food, but those demons are going to receive letters in another time.

Now it is your time to shine….well to be known. But thankfully although the people I got to befriend are few and in between, they are good friends, and again, some are big influencers and (not blood-related) family.

In 2016 you decided to launch a world campaign, and you forced yourself into my life again, to be honest, you decided to be with everyone and took pleasure in the deaths of many celebrities and gorillas, but that was not with me, so yeah.

I know that I can’t evict you from my life from one moment to the other, but I tell you, you and anyone that decides to hear me…You have to fuck off.

I’m sick of you, your crimes are alike of those of Rick Sanchez (yes a Rick and Morty reference). From estranging friends and family, to make me consider taking my life to make me take refuge in places outside reality, carving my own skin through auto-mutilation and closing real life and true happiness behind.

I’m done with you and the fire in me that you watered down and tried to extinguish and those you didn’t manage to push away from me, well, to put it simply… I’m back with a vengeance, and although this fight I fight alone, I have back up, I have resolved, I have me. And I’m coming for the rest of me! SO enjoy the last days of 2016…come 2017 and your days are numbered(1).

And to paraphrase and adapt a band that helped me realise how rotten and toxic you are

I no longer care to be the layer of the bricks that seal me fate
But rather be the architect
Of what I might create!

Goodbye….and good ridance!

 

(1) And with this Im just using the turn of the year as an arbitrary date….saying something like come december 30 and your days are numbered wouldnt sound as good.

 

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