Time

Time is a bastard, well not time itself, bevauvse that is only but a human construct.

But how we perceive it. Right now I’m in a bus stop waiting for a bus that might as well never appear, but rest assure it will come even before I finish the text. I just exited a movie theater…..one of my so called hivvies, (well bus arrived) just saw guardians of the galaxy volume two. And well I’m not here, I’m not in the Netherlands, but in Cascais, I Just cane out of guardians of the galaxy (the first one) and it is 2017.

The parallels are interesting, but the opposites are even more.

Please don’t read this in a negative ligth, but rather a nostalgic one.

At the time I was in a relationship, I wore a “promise ring” and lived alone. Was close to many friends after being living in Dubai for a while.

Now I still wear a ring, but it’s just a piece of shiny metal, I am far away from most if not all friends. And I start to wonder who in fact are those.

Daily it’s harder to diferentiate them, friends and aquaitanxes. On one hand I blame me for that, I never cultivated friendships hard enougth, act highly and mighty, acted like master of the world, vir I Just hopped from group to group, behaving with a stupid prideful attitude. I never let myself get to attached but did it anyway. Leaving behind loud laughs and cool stories, but never took decent care of the flowers os possible friendship. And truth is, I always have blamed others for it, always thought that I was the one that was being ignored, but u was the one that was hurting others.

When I got invested for anything more often than not I would say no, and with time….I end up developing an unrelentless  feeling of not belonging, and this followed me anywhere, and with time grew to some sort of social anxiety, to the point I dread for interactions, fearing them…..while visiting a group of friends a few days ago I had innsonias, Just thinking how would I be able to do “human conections.

But I started to understand the deeper problem, my problem was never with others, but with myself.

For the longest time I haven’t felt comfortable in my own skin. To be he point o hardly talk to anyone, and get sad because no one talks to me.

For those that stuck arround, for those slipping away, for those that left me and those who were left behind. I’m sorry. 

I really am.

As time passes I try to find out and correct mistakes, let’s just hope that I can change….because to be honest I’m tired to relate to the anti heroes, to the ones that have to be in peril to  understand that they are actually good guys. Tired of going to the movies and letting tetas fall cuz character x died protecting character y, having ro apologize for being the way he always behaved….as his draws his last breath 

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