Fear of Death or love of life?

Felicidade: ter medo da morte por [se] temer não ter tempo de fazer tudo o que se planeia fazer

Augusto Jose Da Silva Brandao Correia

I was once told that “happiness is to fear death, is fear of not having enough time to do all we want”. At the time this seemed like another cliche sentence, another pseudo-deep sentence that is here to shake your way of life. But this a sentence that it has been with me for the greater part of my life now, actually this sentence was one of the last things that my father has written. And I swear….it took me over thirteen years before I could begin to grasp what that actually means.

The last few days, have been a big stinking mess, inner turmoil, nightmares, giving up, getting back up again. And so the “anniversary” of my father’s death was caught in this turmoil, making everything messier, as a matter of metaphor to how messy my mind/soul is right now, imagine this; a house, where a couple lives, they have some pets, like …. double digits of pets, fur and chaos everywhere, and one fine day they bring home triplets, I think that is an accurate metaphor, as just like me, all the ingredients for a happy life are there, but the circumstances of the present kinda askew the natural order of things, but that is not what this post is about, perhaps another post will shed some light into this.

But my point is this, and unfortunately, only after too many years, I’ve begun to understand that sentence, a sentence that summed up 43 years of life, and well…I’m starting to get it.

But the funny thing is, it just popped in my head, it just came to light in a moment of something. But once again I need to backtrack a bit, as mentioned before is not in the best period of my life, but I’m in a period of change, a period where I’m actively seeking changes, I’m actively seeking a way to be better, to be a better man (is that Pear jam I hear in the background?), and so with all of these active changes in my life I believe I’m more open to what is near me, more open to what people say, in a way you could say that I’m more suggestive as well. But this lead me not to ignore what is said to me, that try and make the most of what others have to give, and well among the things that I’ve been learning, one thing popped into my mind, and this happened while seeing one of the new Orange is the new black episodes, where some character talked about fearing death, and how she finally feared death, my thoughts rushed to my brushes with death, and the reasoning behind my decision to stay alive, and in the moment I sighed, saying to no one “I still have too much to do in life, I still have much to see of my sister’s life”. Now…. doesn’t that sentence sound familiar, something about fear of not having enough time to do what I want to do?

And this is why I said that only now have I started to figure out the sentence, at least part of it is there, now the hard part is to understand what is happiness, as I think that happiness is something a bit different from being happy. Being happy is something immediate, being happy is like being full after a meal, and I believe that happiness is closer to healthy a diet (not as in restrictive diet but as in eating habits). And I do believe that happiness is comprised of both happy and sad moments, is something akin depression than to be happy or sad… well … sad is to depression what happy is to happiness.

This post is an attempt to put a more positive spin on even the darkest parts of my life, usually what I do after or during this day …. well yesterday’s day….is usually something more somber, darker, heavier…but I cannot keep doing the same things and still hope of change inside, can I?



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